School Stress

 Hello. My name is William. That’s Mr. William to you. Mister Dr. William Ph.D. I like the ring of that. I am the first employee of a new job. This isn’t just any job mind you, nor is it for any mind; this is a specialized job for a specialized mind. I was hired by the Chapel Hill-Carrboro City school system to be the first Homework friend in the country. What is a homework friend you ask? I am. That was a terrible question. What does a homework friend do? Better question. My job is to make sure that lazy and over privileged children do their fair share of work.

Every day I wake up and have my daily bowl of coffee and lard. The trick is to mix the coffee into lard with a blender, to really meld the flavors. I then take my horse-drawn carriage to school. This is a specialized horse-drawn carriage mind you. I arrive to tired faces and slow moving feet. There is the regular drone of complaining about lack of sleep due to the “S” word. Any and all students who say the “S” word are expelled. The “S” word, in case you are wondering, is stress. A disgusting word made up by students to escape from their duties. They also blame stress as the primary cause of procrastination, another dirty word. Over ¾ of these so called “students” claim to experience 1 or more symptoms of stress. I deal with these myths the way any sensible adult would, grand style execution. I kid of course; all student deaths have beenaccidental.

Being a homework friend has its benefits. I get to see children succeed. They come to me happy, vivid, energetic misfits and I see their repair into mature listless adults. Sure, no successful child has ever succeeded based on their love of learning, but I argue, (convincingly if I may say so) why is that bad? The goal of school has never been toeducate. School is there to mature. Cheating? There is none. Well, technically there is cheating. But it is better to cheat and do well then honestly do badly. That is why the work is so overwhelming. But it isn’t. I could do all of the work students were assigned. I AM a specialized individual, Ph.D.

The purpose of this satire is to tell a story about problems with too much work from the point of view of a teacher. This specific teacher has mental problems, and yet fluently argues the case for more homework. By doing so, arguments that are pro-homework are being portrayed as one a crazy person would have. Mr. Dr. Williams also talks about facts about homework and completely casts them aside as myths. This argues that many schools avoid the facts when giving out homework and again is used to make the pro-homework argument look ridiculous.

Sleep.

Sanity.

Basic Vanity.

Wake up sleepy.

Slow and creepy

Go to class

Arrive last

Turn in what was done a day before

The “A” is what I’m looking for

First period to begin

Is lack of sleep called a sin?

Cause it makes me never care

While we begin to prepare

Finals are the goal in mind

Thinking still is such a grind

Chorus
Stress, Stress I need less.

Causes procrastination

¾ have symptoms of

This feeling of damnation

End of chorus

Those who win

And who succeed

Are not passionate,

Guaranteed

Chorus

Some will cheat

And others lie

Learning just takes too much time

Relaxation?

For the weak

Don’t abdicate

When at your peak

Those who manage lose their rhyme

“Outlets?” more like waste of time

Chorus

(This part profusely rapped)
Internet, television

Feels like internal terrorism

I need to cope

“don’t do dope”

Work at home

Stress alone

Hunts me down

Turns me around

360 sound

Please I say

Less today

At least less than yesterday

I need time for fun and me

If this is race is the grand prix

Then before I hit the finish line

Let me live before I die

Don’t choke me before I breathe

This song is about how homework influences teens and children in general for the worse. The song takes the point of view of a teen who experiences the stress of homework. The teen is also negatively affected by school in general but homework is the main cause of his/her stress.